John Chard

May 20, 2014

1.0

The joke is firmly on us. I myself like a lot of cinematic offerings that require the brain to be left at the door. There's something very calming about being able to sit back and drive oneself into a movie with absolutely no worries about themes, agendas, politico posturing and etc. What shouldn't be tolerated is when film makers ask you to not only leave your brain at the door, but to also dribble with it and slam dunk it into the nearest garbage can. Alexandre Aja's 2010 redux of Piranha was a whole bunch of fun, even away from the 3D, in 2D form it had a devilish glint in its eye, but this on the other hand is an embarrassment to all involved. Who doesn't love the female form? Whatever your sexual proclivities et al, you would have to be dead to not appreciate the splendour of Eve's offspring. But when it's your main selling point, when you are only trying to please a very small movie watching demographic, then you got problems. John Gulager (director in the broadest context of the word) wants to craft a Porky's for this latest hairy palmed generation, whilst he even thinks a touch of Grindhouse might curry favour with the mall rats and skaters. Everything about this picture stinks, the acting, the hopeless attempts at suspense, badly timed jokes, poor stereotyping, laughable effects work, and on it goes. Standing up and saying it's meant to be tacky, corny and tongue in cheek just doesn't cut the mustard here, bad film making is just that, especially when it's done purely to make money. Right, I'm off to dive into a tank full of piranha fish, because that will surely be better than having to ever sit through this movie again. 1/10

The piranhas are back. Why? Not really sure, don't really care. But they are, and its a sad sight. This time they manage to lure their way into a water park, and you surely imagine what will happen. An endless amount of pointless killings, blood... everywhere. There are people too, mind you, a virgin, a greedy dude, a celebrity lifeguard, a couple of innocent youths and a corrupt cop, and more... but it matters not, they can't save eachother, and they certainly can't save this movie. I have to admit, I knew what I was going into, but I still sad down and watched it. It was painful to say the least, and the few laughs that were provided, were... horrible forced laughs. I would really like to know which people love these type of movies and why they watch them. Why I watched it, you ask? I wish I had a good answer. Anyways, my days watching anything remotely like this, are... over. _Last words..._

Gimly

Jul 10, 2017

4.0

Inventive title, 'Hoff cameo, Josh cut off his penis. _Piranha 3DD_ leans in hard on the stupid factor of the franchise, had this been coupled with a little more humour, that'd totally work, unfortunately, it's more dumb than fun. Still a pretty good time if this is your sort of thing, but less so than even its predecessor. _Final rating:★★ - Had some things that appeal to me, but a poor finished product._

Kamurai

Jul 28, 2020

7.0

Good watch, will likely watch again, and can recommend. Compared to even the 1995 version, this version definitely increased the amount of nudity and gore, or at least blood in this. Since this is more of a comedy-horror, having a waterpark "going wild" be the setting for this particular creature actually works out quite a bit. You'd think once the killing starts that the comedy might stop, it has laughs all the way through, and while they're not necessarily all "classy" jokes, this isn't really a "classy" movie. I'm honestly surprised (but grateful) to see Danielle Panabaker in this one as she does a somewhat "straight man" role, she's carrying most of the actual emotion in this movie. It's not a typical role for what I'm used to seeing her in, but she's does a great job as she's a quality actress. David Koechner leads the humor (and he's good at it) of the movie with some solid help from the rest of the cast. David Hasselhoff, Christopher Lloyd and Ving Rhames even make cameos. There isn't much to this movie, there's water, fish, and people, and some combination of them to various degrees of humor and horror.

r96sk

Feb 25, 2025

5.0

'Piranha 3DD' is worse than predecessor 'Piranha 3D', yet I'd say it actually has moments that I'll somewhat remember (unlike the prior entry). There are three bits I minorly liked: Ving Rhames, David Hasselhoff and the David Koechner head gag. That is literally it, though. It's a bad movie, no question. It even feels like a pale imitation of the previous flick, which is quite something given that 2010 release isn't even anything good itself. The humans in this are extremely dull, while the piranha barely registered to me whilst watching. At least the run time is short. Danielle Panabaker is 'the best' cast member, aside from Rhames and Hasselhoff who steal the show with comparatively small roles. Adrian Martinez's character almost works, while I did like seeing Christopher Lloyd return. Interesting to see Matt Lintz, way before his role in 'The Walking Dead'. Also, and I know I'm taking the lore of these things too seriously by saying this, but weren't the piranha supposed to be massive in this one; based on the end of the first film. This second movie ends with a tease of walking piranha, which is just as lousy an idea as the flying piranha from 'Piranha II: The Spawning'. Thankfully, the aforementioned didn't happen as this didn't get a sequel. How long we giving it until someone somewhere decides to remake 'Piranha' for a third time? My money's on 2030.